Stop, Drop and Roll

13 June 2007 | Alameda Community, Alameda Community Development Forum, Measure A | John Knox White

There are so many important issues to talk about in town, that I don’t even know where to begin! Actually, that’s a lie, because when it comes to f-u-n, there’s nothing better than a good old round of “six degrees of Alameda.”

On the off chance that you’ve only been in town about 5 days, or you’ve never spent time on the internet reading blogs and community sites, “six degrees of Alameda” is a time honored Alameda tradition, in which a kernel of truth is used to prove beyond a doubt, that someone has nefarious connections to something.

Yes it’s true, most Alamedans just prefer to say that so-and-so is in the developers pocket, or that-person is a shill. However, true Alamedans like to do a little research (emphasis on little) in order to really put the screws to someone they disagree with. And I’m not talking about wimpily adding “could it be” or “it could be possible” to some really lame smear, we’re talking flat out “David Early is connected to a company that has a loose association to housing issues in Berkeley and is therefore responsible for all the problems of the Berkeley Housing Authority.”

So I thought I’d take my evening and definitively prove that Kevin Bacon is at the heart of all Measure A troubles in Alameda.

First we start with David Early, the facilitator (who’s other offenses like working on Napa’s housing element and working for a firm that does land use planning that some would call “smart” is expertly chronicled here. (and by “expertly” you understand I mean loosely with a lot of subjective, highly specious assumptions).

David Early ran the Measure A meeting and wouldn’t give Barbara Kerr her way, clearly indicating that he was going to tell Alameda how to develop. This is clearly because he was involved in another contentious land use planning process in Livermore. Livermore is where James DePaiva is from and clearly they connected during this time.

James DePaiva was in the movie A Thousand Words (which coincidentally is about how many words would have been needed to solve things at the Ad Hoc Committee meeting if Barbara Kerr had just been given her way). DePaiva’s colleague on the lot was Scott Sowers.

Sowers had previously performed in that great Martin Lawrence movie Blue Streak which makes sense given how quick David Early was to shut down foul language. Being incredibly good friends with Sowers, he clearly knew how quick the bad words can start flowing without a solid set of ground rules. Again, showing his true colors, he was just plain mean when he asked Ms. Kerr to not call people “whores.”

Sowers was on the set of Blue Streak with Octavia Spencer who had a part in Beauty Shop, a movie about a women’s hair salon that someone on IMDB called a “fun comedy,” just like the ad hoc committee meeting! And guess who was also in Beauty Shop? That’s right, Alameda hating Kevin Bacon!

I’m hoping that Entertainment Tonight will pick up this nefarious story about Kevin Bacon coming into at small-town community and attempting to drive bulldozers over all the sleepy-eyed residents who just want to save what’s theirs. Perhaps even John Tesh will show up for a reunion show. Though I wouldn’t expect fair coverage from him, he was in He Said, She Said with Kevin Bacon in 1991, so he’s probably in on the plot.